Whiskersverse
by audreyii-fic
Summary: Out of a series of drabbles grew the world of Whiskers, the Swans' new kitten. Watch as he struggles with Jacob - not-so-affectionately known as Dog-Boy - in an epic battle for Bella's love.
1. Whiskers

_**Notice: I'm reorganizing a little. Whiskers!verse falls under my standard Drabble Disclaimer:** _**_it's quickly written, barely edited, and not particularly stringent about canon or characterization. In other words these are minor works, not to be taken too seriously._**

* * *

_Bella gets a cat, cat doesn't like Jacob, Jacob is jealous of cat. / __Missing scene somewhere in New moon, before Jake turns into a wolf, back when they were best friends (like doing homework or something)._

**[mid-New Moon, pre-FURSPLODE!sion. Romance/Humor. Rated G.]**

**

* * *

**

Charlie and Renee speak on the phone more during the five months following the Cullens' departure than they did when they were dating. This would frustrate Charlie if he wasn't just so damn worried (_"Sometimes she sits I can't tell if she's awake or asleep, Renee, did you ever do this when you were her age?"_, except of course she didn't, not over _him_) but right now there's no room for frustration, or for regrets, or for wishing. The only thing he has room for is terror that his girl has lost her mind (and fury with the pale little nancy brat who did this to her, he should've just shot the kid immediately after they returned from Phoenix, _"Not to worry Chief Swan, I'll take good care of her"_, what had he been _thinking_) and uncertainty of what to do next. (Though now she's hanging out with Billy's boy sometimes, and Charlie swears he's seeing a tint of life come back to her cheeks, though not enough to stop the endless, screaming nightmares.)

He finally feels a new emotion the day Renee says _"Phil thinks Bella should get a kitten."_ (Charlie can hear Renee flicking her fingernail absentmindedly against the countertop. She did that all the time when she would make calls to the electric company when their heater would short out that first winter in the house. Apparently he now ranks at the same level as a repairman.) _"He says no one can be unhappy with a kitten around."_

Charlie almost says, "Well, Phil's practically Bella's age, so I guess he'd know," but he doesn't. He just grunts noncommittally. But he's desperate, so that very afternoon, he drives Bella over to the animal shelter, steers her into a room full of mental cages that smells so strongly of antiseptic that his nose wrinkles. (In a flash Charlie pictures Bella inside of one of the cages, smelling of cleaning solution, and he swears on the spot that no matter what happens he won't let anyone send her away to an institution, he'll quit his job and take care of her for the rest of his life instead, he'll even learn to cook.) Cats and kittens mewl from behind bars. And Bella's eyes light up.

When his daughter pokes her fingers into a cage and giggles when a kitten rubs against her hand, Charlie Swan is, more than anything else in the entire world, annoyed. _Fucking Phil._

* * *

Whiskers likes the girl who takes him home a lot. The girl scratches behind his ears, gives him tuna fish, lets him sleep in the crook of her neck at night (though sometimes she turns over and Whiskers has to dig his claws into her shoulder to hold on). Whiskers loves the girl. The girl is _his_ girl. (Whiskers likes the man, too, even though the man tossed him off the kitchen table when Whiskers tried to play with the round little metal things. But he'll get some later. He is a Very Stealthy Hunter and he can be very patient for the round little metal things. Just watch.) She goes away in the morning which gives Whiskers time to explore and hunt bugs and take long snoozes in the laundry pile, but she comes back in the afternoon and scoops him up and they sit on the couch and the girl pets Whiskers until his eyes glaze over. This is good. This is the way things should be.

Until a few days later, when the _boy_ comes over. The boy who smells like _dog_.

* * *

"I don't think your cat likes me."

"What? Why would you say that?"

"He's glaring at me."

"He's a _cat_, Jake. They just naturally look like they're glaring."

"No, seriously, look at him. He hates me."

"Don't be silly. No one could hate you."

* * *

The girl and the boy settle down onto the couch and pull books out of their bags and start chattering away to each other. The girl nibbles on her pencil eraser as she stares at a page covered in writing, and the boy stares at her. Whiskers does. Not. Approve.

* * *

"Ow!"

"What?"

"Your cat! He bit my hair!"

Laughter. "Well, it does kind of look like a cat toy."

"...does not."

"Hey, I like your hair, but if I was a kitten, I'd be playing with it all the time."

"Well, you can play with it anyway, if you want."

"I'm not a kitten."

"Thank God for _that_."

* * *

The boy has not responded to Whiskers' clear message of possession and domination. The boy is even daring to _slide closer to the girl on the couch._ He is either profoundly stupid, or a genuine threat. A threat which must be neutralized _at once_.

* * *

"Aww!"

"Ow! He scratched me!"

"Oh, don't be such a wuss. He just wants to snuggle. Don't you, Whiskers? Who's a good kitty?"

"He _wedged himself between us_ and now he's glaring at me _again_. Bells, this cat has it out for me, he seriously does."

"Oh, and he's some great threat to you? He's the size of a coffee mug."

"...well, _he_ gets to put his paw on your chest."

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

* * *

The boy scoots back to the other side of the couch, and Whiskers purrs. Threat neutralized. Though he'll have to keep an eye out for this dog-person. He will be trouble.

* * *

"...so, why a white cat?"

"I don't know. He's cute. Aren't you, Whiskers?"

"He has yellow eyes."

"And?"

"I'm just saying. Does he remind you of someone?"

"No, why?"

"...never mind."


	2. Whiskers' Revenge

_Jake and Bella with a kitten and pillows._

**[mid-New Moon, pre-FURSPLODE!sion. Whiskers!verse. Romance/Humor. Rated G.]**

**

* * *

**

The dog-boy just Would. Not. Go. Away.

Whiskers was tired of this nonsense. He had almost no time with the girl - only after she got home from school until she ate dinner, after she ate dinner until she took a bath, and after her bath until she went to school the next morning. (Whiskers would be feeling very bored and neglected, except that he had recently discovered an infestation of crickets in the basement. Their destruction (and consumption) helped pass the lonely hours without the girl.)

So it was unacceptable - absolutely _unacceptable_ - that the boy who smelled like dog kept coming over after school. Whiskers had tried everything he could think of: pointed avoidance, hissing, totally-by-accident scratching, and even on one occasion leaving a dead mouse in the bottom of the dog-boy's backpack. Nothing was working.

But Whiskers had a plan.

* * *

"Okay, that's it, I'm sick of history. If I memorize one more Western Campaign battle formation I'm going to spork out my eyes."

"Whoa. Rough day, Bells?"

"No, just... tired. And cranky. Want to watch a movie?"

"Sure." A pause. "It's gonna be a girly movie, isn't it."

"Oh, yeah."

* * *

Whiskers waited stealthily from behind the armchair as the girl started the noisy box. He waited stealthily while the boy and girl talked and pointed at the noisy box. He even waited stealthily when the girl curled up and rested her head on the boy's lap, using him as a pillow, and the boy started to stroke her hair. Waiting stealthily through that last bit took a great deal of restraint on Whiskers' part, but one does not become a Very Fearsome Hunter without learning patience.

* * *

"I'm surprised you're watching this."

"Why?"

"I don't know. You seemed to be avoiding the romance stuff."

"Yeah." A sigh. "Well, Jane Austen is different. Jane Austen is comfort food."

"Okay. I'm just glad it doesn't bug you."

"I guess I've been feeling a little better."

"Good." Another pause. "This means I'm going to be watching a lot of period crap with you, doesn't it."

"Yep."

* * *

Whiskers slunk across the room, from behind the armchair to underneath the side table, from underneath the side table to the side of the couch. He held back a hiss as he watched the dog-boy's fingers trace the girl's hairline gently.

Then, at last, he reached his goal.

* * *

"What's that noise?"

"Hmm?"

"What's that- DAMN IT!"

"What?"

"Your cat! He chewed up my homework!"

"Oh, come on-"

"Get out of there!" A series of ripping noises. "Shit, those problems took _forever_..."

"Whiskers! Shame on you! Bad kitty!"

"...Bells, I don't think that _nuzzling him_ while you yell is going to help much."

"Well, it's not like he really meant it."

"Uh-huh."

* * *

Whiskers purred from beneath the girl's chin and gave the dog-boy a look worthy of a Very Impressive Hunter. Perhaps _now_ the dog-boy would see the futility in attempting to take up the girl's time.

* * *

"I can't believe I'm going to have to tell my teacher 'the cat ate my homework.'"

"Don't worry about it, I did that stuff last year. After the movie you can stick around for dinner, and then we'll see if we can find my old notes somewhere. I think they're in my room."

A third, extra-long pause. "Okay, that works."

* * *

Damn!


	3. Whiskers and The Tree

_Kwanzaa, New Years, Christmas, Hanukkah, Winter Wonderland. And we're not prejudiced against non-winter holidays, so you could always write about Easter, Halloween or Groundhog Day if the fancy strikes._

* * *

**[Whiskers!verse. Pre-FURSPLODE!sion - and no, I have no idea how that works with it being Christmas and all. Just go with it.]**

* * *

Whiskers LOVED the tree.

_Why_ there was a tree in the living room was beside the point. Whiskers could care less. It was a tree! In the living room! Covered in sparkly sparkles and _toys_ and _bright things_ and TREE SMELL AND TREE TASTING WATER AT THE BOTTOM AND SO MANY MANY MANY SPARKLES!

I mean, a TREE!

Whiskers climbed The Tree. He rubbed his face against each branch. He hunted the toys in a manner worthy of a Very Stealthy Hunter. Sometimes they broke, but this was because they were Prey and he was Strong and Sneaky. No Prey could stand against Whiskers.

But they were mere sport in comparison to Whiskers' One True Nemesis - the dog-boy.

* * *

"Jake? I'm going to make some hot chocolate, want some?"

A rustle. "Sure, sure."

* * *

The dog-boy was taking something out of a bag and fiddling with it while the girl was in the kitchen. Whiskers watched stealthily from his spot within the tree. The thing in the dog-boy's hands had sparkly paper all over it, but Whiskers was not fooled. The thing was not for him. The thing was surely for the girl.

It must be destroyed.

* * *

"I see you up there."

* * *

Whiskers shrank back against the branch. The dog-boy was looking at him. Surely he hadn't been spotted? He was too stealthy to be spotted!

* * *

"Yeah, you try and hide. You're white in a green tree, you little monster."

* * *

The dog-boy was making noises in Whisker's direction - he _had_ been spotted! Curses!

* * *

"I'm giving this to Bella. If you do something to it I'll flush your catnip down the toilet, you understand me, cat?"

* * *

The dog-boy seemed to be trying to communicate with him. There was only one way to respond.

Whiskers hissed in a Very Intimidating Fashion.

* * *

"Whatever. Just remember, I warned you."

"Jake? Who are you talking to?"

A cough. "No one. Um... here. Merry Christmas."

"Jacob, I told you, I didn't want a present."

"Yeah, well... open it anyway."

A tearing sound, then a gasp. "Oh, wow. It's beautiful! Did you make this?"

"Yeah."

* * *

Whiskers could not believe his eyes. The dog-boy had the _nerve_ to give the girl a toy _with a dog on it!_

* * *

"Jake... I really don't know what to say."

"It doesn't... you know, have to mean anything. I mean, I'm not... well... I just thought you might like it. That's all, Bells, I promise."

"Why a wolf?"

"I dunno. It was just what I felt like making. Do you really like it?"

"Yeah. I really do."

* * *

The girl - _his girl!_ - was putting the toy on her wrist! And leaning over! And _putting her lips on the dog-boy's cheek! Now she would smell like DOG!_

There was only one thing to do.

* * *

"Merry Christmas, Jake."

"Merry Christmas, Bells."

An enormous crash.

"Whiskers! No!"

* * *

It was a terrible thing, to have to sacrifice The Tree by knocking it into the window. But the girl... she was more important than The Tree.


	4. Whiskers in The Hallway

_prompt: Jacob and Bella's first kiss. It can be canon, it can be AU, it can be pre-Twilight, it can be metaphorical, it doesn't matter. Take the prompt and run with with it. Just give us the smoochies._

_

* * *

_

**_[Whiskers!verse. Pre-FURSPLODE!sion.]_**

_

* * *

_The man seemed mostly sensible. The food on his plate always smelled good. He played with little metal things that went into a big metal thing, and therefore obviously had good taste in toys. And when he pet Whiskers he always scratched the itchy spot behind the left ear. Overall Whiskers thought the man was pretty smart.

So it mystified Whiskers that the man allowed the dog-boy into the house.

* * *

"Hey, Charlie."

"Oh, hi, Jake. Bella's in her room."

"Great, thanks."

* * *

See?

Whiskers followed the dog-boy up the stairs. The dog-boy seemed to hesitate for a moment outside the girl's door, but then he took a deep breath and knocked with his smelly dog hand.

* * *

"Bells?"

"Come in!"

* * *

Whiskers squeezed between the dog-boy's feet and the door, ready to march right in and do his duty as a Very Responsible Chaperone.

But the dog-boy nudged Whiskers away with his smelly dog foot.

* * *

"Beat it, you stupid cat."

* * *

The _gall!_

Whiskers hissed, conveying clearly that he was Extremely Affronted. And he took a moment to lick the offending dog stink from his fur.

It was a critical error.

The dog-boy slipped into the girl's room and shut the door behind him - _closing Whiskers out in the hall._

Dear. God.

* * *

"I'm glad you're here, you _have_ to help me with this homework. I made flashcards but it's not sticking-"

"Sure, sure. Listen, I was wondering..."

* * *

Whiskers could hear them through the door. Who _knew_ what the dog-boy might be doing?

Whiskers mewled and stuck his paw under the door. He was Terribly Clever About Doors and knew this one opened with just the right pressure...

* * *

"Did you hear something?"

"Nope. Bells, do you want to go to dinner tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, sure, I'm kinda stir-crazy. I get paid on Friday, so we-"

"No, I'll pay. I saved up."

"Why?"

"Because... I want to take you _out_."

"Huh?"

"I want you to go out with me. On a date."

* * *

Okay. One Very Sharp Claw _here_, and a push of the head _there_...

* * *

"Oh. Jake, I don't know..."

"C'mon, Bells. You like me, right?"

"Of course."

"And not just as a friend."

Silence.

"Because you're not just a friend to me. You know that."

More silence.

* * *

Almost... there...

* * *

"...okay."

"...okay? Really?"

"Yeah. But, I mean... Jake, I need to go slow with this, I'm not ready to just..."

"Sure, sure. That's fine, Bells. I can do slow."

"...and I'm paying for my half of dinner. This isn't the nineteen-fifties."

"Fair enough."

"...I, um..."

"Don't worry, Bella. Slow. I promise."

Another long silence... followed by a soft, gentle sigh.

* * *

Another shove and - _huzzah!_ - the door pushed open! Whiskers slunk his Very Svelte Self though the crack and-

-the dog-boy was _eating the girl's face!_

* * *

An ear-splitting yowl.

"Shit!"

* * *

The dog-boy jumped back from the girl, whose face appeared to be still intact. Thank God Whiskers had been in time.

* * *

"Oh, Whiskers, did you get shut out in the hall? Poor baby..."

"I _hate_ that thing!"

"Whiskers isn't a _thing!_"

"Bella, he hates me too-"

"Jake, if we're going to... I want you to be nicer to Whiskers."

"_What?_ Bells, I... it's, uh, nothing against him _personally_, really-"

"Uh-huh."

"-I'm just not a cat person."

"Well, we're kind of a package deal."

A sigh. "All right. I'll try."

"Thank you."

* * *

Whiskers hopped onto the bed and wedged himself between the girl and the dog-boy. The darkest days of the struggle were still clearly ahead. But he would succeed against the dark forces of the dog-boy.

Whiskers was Powerful, Clever, and Vigilant.

He Would Not Fail.


	5. Whiskers and The Vet

_We hate them. We love them. Well, we mostly just hate them. Write a drabble including an original character. A competing love interest? A Mary Sue? A self insertion? A very profoundly developed pet goldfish? We'll take them all, please. Just don't forget that Bella and Jacob should somehow be connected to whatever is going down._

**[mid-New Moon, pre-FURSPLODE!sion. Whiskers!verse. Romance/Humor. Rated G.]**

* * *

Whiskers was Very Handsome. He had glossy white fur, bright yellow eyes, and an unspeakably gorgeous saunter. He had a beautiful house, many hidden stashes of twisty-ties, access to tuna, and a pouch of catnip in the kitchen. He had grown Very Impressive Studly Parts. Whiskers wanted for only one thing.

The time had come to obtain a Lady Cat.

Whiskers had undergone all the appropriate Lady Cat Obtaining Actions. He had left scent marks on the walls, advertising the unimpeachable excellence of his abode. He had serenaded the Lady Cats from the windows each night, calling out love ballads too angelic to translate into written words. There had been many options, but Whiskers had not yet decided to whom he would bestow the gift of carrying his kittens. Perhaps the demure calico. Perhaps the saucy tabby. Perhaps both! The world was Whiskers' oyster.

So he was very surprised to find himself inside The Cage.

* * *

A sniffle. "It just... seems so _wrong_."

"Every cat gets fixed, Bells. He'll be fine. I promise."

A hiccup. "Thanks for coming with me."

"Believe me, honey, I wouldn't miss this for the world."

* * *

Whiskers was very alarmed to find himself at The Place With The Bad Smell. Why was he here?

Why was the girl crying?

Why was the dog-boy smiling?

Why was he being carried away?

* * *

A gasping sob.

"Bells, seriously, he'll be home in two days. It's all right."

"But what if he's scared? What if he thinks I've abandoned him?"

"He'll be drugged almost the whole time, honey. He won't remember a thing."

"Really?"

"Really. And I promise, I'll keep you distracted while he's gone. Your dad's working late tonight, right?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't I stay and keep you company? I don't want you to get lonely."

"Thanks, Jake."

"No problem."

* * *

Whiskers hazily awoke in another Cage, still in The Place With The Bad Smell. He felt nauseous and achy and when he tried to lick himself he-

Oh. Dear. God.

WHERE WERE HIS VERY IMPRESSIVE STUDLY PARTS?

* * *

"He seems sad to me. Does he seems sad to you?"

"I think he's just woozy."

"I still don't think we should have done it-"

"Bells, if the little monst- if Whiskers had peed on one more thing your dad would've kicked him out."

"I know, but... what if he blames me?"

"He won't blame you. In a day or two he'll have forgotten he ever had balls in the first place."

"Would _you _forget?"

Silence.

* * *

Whiskers sat on the couch in the girl's lap. She murmured and fussed and made the dog-boy bring tuna and pet his glossy white fur lovingly. And Whiskers realized that all this obsessing over his Studly Parts had blinded him to what was truly important: the girl. Never again would he place something as meaningless as Lady Cats above the girl. The girl was _everything_.

* * *

"You know, I think he's more snuggly than he was before. Aren't you, Whiskers?"

"Oh, you've _got _to be kidding."

* * *

Whiskers purred.


	6. Whiskers and the Return of the DogBoy

_prompt: birds, flight, return, cold, new, shelter, together, roots, growth  
_

* * *

_A/N: No, I have no idea where this is in the canon timeline. We've lapped ourselves multiple times. But to semi-quote Mystery Science Theater, "Repeat to yourself it's just a fic, I should really just relax."_

* * *

Whiskers is having a most excellent season. The big window in the living room has become a grand source of entertainment. The leaves on the tree are falling very... very... very slowly, and there are arrogant tasty tweety little birds hopping around in the yard. Both the leaves and the birds are clearly classified as Prey and as soon as Whiskers manages to slip outside, he will declare them as such and they shall be destroyed by his Most Excellent Hunting Skills.

Also, it is getting colder outside. Whiskers is most naturally developing a Most Appealing plumpness in his belly area. This look would perhaps be a bit questionable on lesser cats, but in Whiskers' case it only adds to his overall appeal. This plumpness, along with a distinct increase in his delightfully fluffy and shiny white fur, has made him into the perfect lap companion for the girl. (Not that he wasn't before, but there was always room for improvement. Whiskers is nothing if not humble.)

And the girl most definitely needs Whiskers' lap companionness right now, because the Best and Most Wonderful and Fabulously Joyful Event in the History of the Entire World has FINALLY occurred.

The dog-boy is gone.

GONE! He has not been seen in DAYS!

Obviously he has finally recognized Whiskers' inherent superiority and slunk off into exile, as befits a vanquished foe.

Whiskers cannot deny that the dog-boy's absence has made the girl very sad. Her face gets salty a lot of the time, and she keeps poking at the Noisy and Generally Annoying box that she holds to her ear.

* * *

"Jake? Hi. It's Bella. Again. It's been almost two weeks since you... Anyway, your dad said you have mono. I'm sorry you're so sick. I could make you some soup, or come keep you company if you wanted, or... please, just call me, okay? Bye."

* * *

But the girl's sadness has left her even more in need of lap time, and Whiskers is all too happy to provide it. The girl does not need the dog-boy, and Whiskers will prove it.

He sits on her bed and nudges her head and licks all the salt off her cheeks.

* * *

"Thanks, Whiskers. What would I do without you?"

* * *

Whiskers purrs.

Then there is a Tap Tap Tap at the window. The girl jumps out of bed so fast that Whiskers' tongue licks the pillow by accident.

* * *

"Jake? What are you- oh my gosh, you're going to fall!"

"No, I'm not. Back up."

* * *

The dog-boy _jumps in the window._

_AND HE SMELLS WORSE THAN **EVER.**_

* * *

"I thought you were sick!"

"Not really. Well, kind of."

"So where were you?"

"I... well... Bells, honey, you're not going to believe this."

* * *

Whiskers hisses.


End file.
